Paul Kincaid, the Denim Boy, walked into the 'Red Orange' gay bar. "God how I love this place," he said misty eyed "... and its customers" he added with a leer. Denim snickered under his breath as he eyed all the faggots. "One of these will be my mate, one of these!" Denim continued to snicker, until his jacket fell off, fluttering to the ground.
        He strode up to the bar after retrieving his jacket, "Bartender!" he called with a lisp, "Gimme a single!"
  "Are you sure, Denim? The Queer's Delight is mighty good tonight."
  "Alright, one Queer's Delight!" Denim exclaimed.
        The bartender began to mix the drink, adding his own urine for flavor. Denim stared at the bartender during the entire drink-mixing.
  "What da hell are you staring at? You're my best customer, I wouldn't wanna have to throw you out."
  "Well", Denim said quietly, "I find you... attractive."
  "It's over between us, Denim. Our love was a short flame. It burned brightly for a time and used up oxygen. Denim cursed and swallowed his Queer's Delight.
  "Oxygen?!? Plants give that shit back! Besides, who needs it?" Denim yelled back in fury at the bartender.
  "Denim you're right! Oxygen IS useless! Let's get back together! I-I... want you Denim!" the bartender yelled back.
  "Oooo baby! Let's do it right here right now, there is no other place I'd rather be!" Denim sang.
        The two went into the 'Room of Pleasure' in the back of the bar. After a wild night of sex and alcohol, Denim decided to leave. He mounted his pink motorcycle and raced home. Once at home, he performed his usual pregnancy test.
  "No more messy cups for me," Denim said. He quickly did the pregnancy test and looked at the results. His face slowly paled and a tear rolled down his cheek. "I'm pregnant" he whispered.
        Denim fell to the ground, and fainted. Denim's male lover Rick came in and dumped the contents of Denim's pregnancy test on him.
  "Rick! I'm... PREGNANT! Denim yelled out loud. "Oh joy! Now we can raise the kid together, I'll be the daddy, you be the mommy! I've been waiting for this to happen for a long time. Happy days are here again..." Rick began to sing.
  "No! Denim yelled evilly, "You aren't the father!"
  "What!" Rick shouted in anger. "There's someone else!"
  "Yes Rick, I-I'm sorry," denim lowered his head.
  "You're gonna have to get an abortion!" he shouted.
  "But... my child.." Denim protested.
  "It just wouldn't work out," Rick said flicking on the T.V. The screen flashed on and showed the beginning of a sitcom, "My Two Dads".
  "We're going to the abortion clinic, and that's final!" Rick roared.
        The two jumped in the lowrider ans began the drive to the clinic. O.P.P was playing on the radio. The Playboy dice hanging from the ceiling of the car dangled in Denim's face. Denim madly ripped the dice from the ceiling.
  "Damn those damned dice, damn them to hell!" Denim yelled aloud.
  "Calm down Denim, everything's gonna be alright." said Rick soothingly.
        Denim said nothing. He just sat in the seat, holding his jacket close to him. Finally they reached the Happy Jap Abortion Clinic. Denim sighed as he stepped out of the car.
  "Good luck.... my lover!" Rick called out.
        Denim sighed again as he walked into the clinic. Denim noticed a row of chairs, his mother sitting in one of them.
  "Mom, why are you here?" Denim questioned.
  "I'm pregnant Denim...again." Denim's mom answered. Denim gave no answer to her response, she was here at least once a week.        Denim walked over to the elevator, and picked floor 99. The elevator whizzed up, and then stopped at Denim's floor. He stepped out of the elevator and walked to the room labelled "Abortions here". Denim walked into the open door, where Russian spies were plotting to blow up major American monuments. Denim reached into his jacket and pulled out a James Bond gun.
  "Stupid American, you die!" One of the Russians said. Denim wildly fired his guns until one of the Russians pushed him out of the window. Denim fell down 99 flights and died.

THE END

Denim Makes the Football Team

        Denim yelled out, "Watch this babe!" He ran at top speed toward the fountain. Then, with a grunt of effort, he pushed himself into the air. He sailed above the marble fountain, momentarily suspended in midair. Then he crashed into ice water.
  "Whew!" he shouted, "I almost made it that time, my love."
        Layla gave him a bored yawn in answer. "Denim, you're going have to do something new.
  "Something  new, hmmm..." Denim thought.
  "I know! The football team! I have more pectoral muscles than most of those guys!" Denim thought out loud. Layla yawned in disgust again.
  "I suppose, Denim." Layla said in a sing-song voice. Layla sighed and said, "You'll be lucky to make water boy!"
  "She's right!" Denim thought frantically. "But I know a way."
  "No, Denim, you can't get a prescription for steroids." The doctor said.
  "Damn," Denim murmured. "I'll just have to get them by illegal means."
        Donny the dealer stood in the back of the porta-potty factory. "That'll be 63 dollars" Donny said.
  "Do you have change for one hundred dollars?" Denim questioned.
  "The steroids are one hundred dollars," Donny said.
  "Oh, here then. " Denim handed Donny his lucky one hundred dollar bill in exchange for the steroids.
        Denim took the needle and headed home. At home, he called out to his mother, "Guess what I bought mom?"
  "What, Denim?" His mom questioned.
  "Steroids! They're cool!" Denim shouted in joy back.
  "That's nice Denim. I'm uh..going...out." Denim's mom stated, snatching some birth control pills.
  "Uh, to where?" Denim questioned.
  "Never you mind that, Denim. Be a good boy now. I'll be back." Denim's mom answered.
        Denim ran into his room and locked the door eyeing the needle carefully. Denim looked for instructions on the hypodermic needle. There were none. "Oh, well!" Denim said cheerily. He put the needle in his mouth, grabbed a glass of water, and swallowed the hypodermic needle.
  "Ahhhh" he groaned in ecstasy. "My breasts are swelling. My testicles are shrinking. The steroids are working!
        Suddenly, huge Schwarzineggarian muscles popped up on Denim's already muscular body. Denim yelled in triumph, "Yes! Yes! And high blood pressure to boot!"
        Denim grabbed the door handle, and pulled it out of it's socket, not knowing his own strength. Denim flicked the door, and it crashed down to the floor. Denim quickly figured the distance tot he football field to be 6 miles. Tensing his muscles, he made a standing long jump to the football field. "I want to be quarterback!" Denim demanded of the coach.
  "Seeing as you're cool, you can be quarterback, Denim!"
        Layla strode down to the football field. She was always depressed after seeing Denim. He just wasn't able to satisfy her deep longings like the Two Studs that Did Your Mom could.
  "Ooooo, who is that handsome stud?" She asked the coach, pointing at the quarterback.
  "That's Denim, he's... beautiful." The coach said, misty-eyed.
        Denim threw the ball 100 yards and then dashed to the other side of the field and caught the ball while covered by 11 players.
        Denim went on to have a 100,000 yard season with 1000 touchdowns. Denim turned into a girl and Layla had left him but he was happy and went on to play for the Lions.

THE END

Santa Denim

  "Ho, ho ho," Denim shouted.
  "Sixty dollars, buddy" Layla replied.
        Denim ignored the sly comment, and commenced ringing his bells. "Give money to the Salvation Army dammit!"
        A bum walked by and spat into the pot in which he was collecting money. "The poor need money!" Denim whined. The bum turned around, grabbed the pot, and ran away. "That's one step too far my friend." Denim sneered. He pulled out his AK-47 and shot the bum down.
        Santa Denim retrieved the pot and walked back to his station. Suddenly a little kid walked up to Denim, "I want a G.I. Joe," he requested.
  "Bite me!" Denim returned.
        The little boy pulled out a stick of dynamite and proceeded to light it.
  "Don't do that, little one. I wouldn't want to give you a G.I. Joe when I can give you a denim jacket! Denim replied to the flaming stick of dynamite.
  "Oh..a jacket... just what I've always wanted." The little boy said, misty-eyed. The boy threw the dynamite into the open window of a rusted car driving by.
        The driver, Kasey Kerber, failed to notice the dynamite, and the stick exploded in a flash of light, Kerber's wallet landing in Denim's pot.
  "Thank you for your contribution, and have a Merry Christmas!," Denim said to the b ody parts lying on the concrete. Denim reached into his pocket and pulled out a Junior Jacket which he handed to the boy.
  "Ooo.. a jacket..," the boy said in hushed tones. "Might I...touch it?" The boy held his hand out to toucht he jacket.
  "Its yours, my boy!" Denim bellowed graciously.
        The boy grabbed the jacket and held it to his breast. "Oh thank you, thank you!" The boy said, running home.
        Denim looked in Kasey's wallet and found $4,000,000. "Yeah! I'll give denim jackets to all!" And he did.

THE END